Recently, I have noticed that the humans have been home a lot more than usual. In fact, they barely seem to leave the house. I keep hearing them talk about “Covid” or “Corona,” and I don’t exactly understand what it means.

This is the happiest I have ever been. The humans seem to be giving me more attention than ever, in fact, I think I’ve become the new favorite family member. There are, however, a few things I’ve noticed about the human’s behavior that I am not the fondest of.

First, the humans have gotten lazier. Before they were always up at the same time. I was always fed at 8 a.m. and let out. Now, they get up at different times every day and are never in any rush to get out the door. They just take their time, at the expense of my poor stomach.

I’m also starting to miss my alone time. When the humans were all gone, I had so many opportunities to have fun. I miss the days of going through the trash can and finding food. On the third day of them being home, I tried to tear up the toilet paper. They just about lost it screaming “There’s barely any toilet paper left in the stores, we cannot waste any!”

My family always seems to be on their face boxes. They are constantly on calls with people and it is very confusing hearing all these different voices and not knowing where they are coming from. I always get yelled at when I try to respond to these voices. But I have become quite famous on Abby’s calls; all her friends seem to love when I make appearances by apparently “walking in front of the camera” or whatever that means.

Speaking of boxes, the picture box has been so boring lately. They no longer watch the animal shows with the monkeys and elephants. That was my favorite time with the family. Now it is always very serious humans talking and there are always numbers on the screen that seem to be increasing. Occasionally, a very orange man comes on the screen, which seems to sometimes upset the humans.

I have noticed the alpha human leaves the house once a week. She comes back with numerous bags filled with food. This is my favorite time of the week because new smells are finally introduced into the house. I immediately rush and stick my head in the bags to smell all the food. But the alpha always beats me to it and shoos me out of the way.

The weird part is she wipes down every single item she brings home. I tried smelling one of the boxes of snacks after she wiped it down. It smelled awful, just like the vet when they rub that liquid on me before the vet pokes me with the sharp object. She always mutters something about “can’t let any germs in the house.”

Speaking of vet-like smells, the human’s hands are always clean. I mean always clean, like constantly washed and smelling of fresh flowers. Don’t be fooled by the scent — it tastes awful. I usually enjoyed licking the human’s hands, as they always carried so many different tastes and smells. But now, they always taste like the stuff they put on me when I get a bath; it is disgusting.

Don’t even get me started on the walks. The first couple of days it was nice. I got to go outside, I smelt the fresh air and even got some exercise. But now they try to take me on three walks a day. I am at the ripe age of 56 or what you guys call 8 in human years. My body is starting to get really sore and my paws are getting tender.

Luckily, I am not the only canine suffering. When we go on walks, I see so many dogs and their owners. But I am very upset because I’m no longer allowed to sniff my friends. The alpha doesn’t even allow me to walk on the same side of the street as them. It is ridiculous.

At first, I thought it was because the alpha didn’t like their owners. I thought we were purposely ignoring them to make a statement. I believe I deserve an extra treat for my award-winning acting. I didn’t reply to any of my friend’s calls; I simply turned my head and looked the other way.

After a couple of weeks of this so-called “ignoring,” I am getting the sense there is something more to it. The alpha often scoffs at other owners when they get too close to each other. She constantly talks about “staying 6 feet apart.”

Not all of the current circumstances are ideal. The humans are often crabby and upset, but that is where I come in. I lick their faces and get them to scratch the good spot right behind my ear. This puts smiles on the humans’ faces and makes them happy to be stuck at home with me.