Bernon Hills, Billinois Winter 2050

A Chicago winter is an annual event that many dread, but due to frustrations of being caught in never-ending strings of controversies, all-powerful billionaires have been using their weather satellites to make living in the northern US during the late winter season a whole new layer of hell, except a little less hot.

The unpredictability of cold weather really makes the trip to school even more miserable than it is during any other time of the year. The risk of frostbite is high and roads often become very slippery.

While salt is often applied to roads in order to combat the looming threat of road ice takeovers, the Illinois Department of Salt (IDS) reports that the Rock Salt Workers’ Union (RSWU) is calling for a massive strike as a call for pay raises and safer working conditions, demands that realistically could take years to properly meet.

The IDS has worked tirelessly to monitor the situation and ensure the safety of everyone on the roads. Thankfully, rising temperatures from retired dads grilling every day for the past 25 years will hopefully bring an end to the ice, at least until “Ice Age 11” is released.

“Our work is only getting harder each year,” Director of Salt Distribution, Steven Crackle, said. “With frost being enhanced by corrupt billionaires and rock salt workers everywhere going on strike, there’s no telling if winter will ever be a safe time for [students and staff] to attend school in-person.”

Since winters in Chicago are known across the US for being harsh and unpredictable, people living in the Chicagoland region are thought to have adapted to these weather conditions. I can say as a life-long resident of the Chicagoland area that it pains me to get out of bed and go outside during the winter. So not everyone has properly adapted to frigid winters here.

The principal of Gecko High School in Death Valley, California, and former Bernon Hills High School principal, Dr. Old, applauded the new BHHS administration a little too much for not canceling school when temperatures drop to around -20 degrees Fahrenheit.

“Chicago folks don’t know real pain,” Old remarked. “Here in Death Valley, our students and staff have to fight off scorpions and scale canyon walls to get to school every day. The only time we ever canceled school – no exceptions – was when temperatures in Death Valley dropped below 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Now that’s dangerously cold.”

People outside of Chicagoland need to understand that we do not live in the most extreme conditions. Therefore, we can easily turn on heating systems to make us feel comfortable. But we can’t do that when we go outside, which we must travel through to get to school. There is no way around it. So why don’t we get these days off?

Despite our lack of evolutionary adaptations, BHHS students are still expected to show up to school in well-below-zero temperatures. Meanwhile, other schools all around Bake County let their students and staff members stay in the comfort of their homes.

Since 2024, district administration has not been lenient with snow days. While we have two emergency days built into the calendar each year, for some reason, administration is not using them. If it’s cold and icy enough for the 10th Arctic-themed “Fast and Furious” movie “f59” to be filmed in the frozen-over parking lot of Strawthorn Mall, then no common person should be forced to go outside. Action movie actors are more used to these types of conditions.

While we’ve been waiting 26 years for a snow day, on several occasions a snow day could’ve been decided within five seconds: The first three seconds should be spent waiting for Weather.com to load, the fourth second for scrolling down to see the future temperatures, and the final second to look at the temperatures around the time of the school day and decide that those numbers aren’t really safe for average humans. Nearly every year, what should’ve been a simple decision to call for a snow day turned into days of anguish for any students whose parents made them turn off their Xboxes and attend school.

“Imagine what we could get done if snow days were actually put to use,” Joshin Boshin (10) said. “…Scroll through TikTok for hours on end, scroll through Instagram a little bit, and then back to TikTok. A typical two-day weekend is not a lot of time to do all of that, so the really cold days when my parents let me stay home are amazing.”

BHHS students should not be subject to this any longer. A few days off would be a great time for everyone to take a break and do something productive in order to mentally recharge for school. This will especially be useful for students with strict parents, who’d better be on their deathbeds in order to miss school.

“Waking up and having to go to school in the morning in dangerous conditions is a crime against humanity,” Natalie Snowman (12) said. “Everyone should have the right to a day off if it physically hurts to leave the house.”

There is a lot of uncertainty regarding whether the snow day standards for the Bernon Hills area will ever be adjusted to fit unpredictable weather conditions, or if the demands of the RSWU will be met in time for potentially even more brutal winters.

But the biggest question remains: When will Hollywood finally end the “Fast and Furious” franchise? Those movies fell off after “F:Shanghai Drift.”