Satire: Town of hills declares official hill of town


Lexi Reinstein

The famous stairs on the official Bernon Hill

Bernon Hills is a town named for its countless number of hills. Hills so gorgeous Julie Andrews herself would reprise her role as Maria to sing about their sounds of music. But perhaps the most well-known hill in all of BH is the one in which the BHHS junior and free lots sit on.  

The instant that juniors leave the doors of BHHS after the bell rings, the expedition begins. Right after stepping out of the school, students are hit with either a sweltering wave of heat that causes their sweat glands to immediately burst with perspiration, or they are hit with a glacial draft,  promptly feeling the skin on their face tighten. 

Throngs of students walk past the west gym and encounter the stairs that make you feel like you should go on a shopping spree at REI for hiking equipment everytime you climb up them. Truly nothing compares to the crisp air that sweeps across your rosy cheeks as you finally reach the top of the hill. A moment of defiance similar to reaching the top of Mt. Everest. 

As a testament to the fortitude it takes to climb the hill, the City council of Bernon Hills has decided to establish this hill as the official Bernon Hill, soon to be embossed on the official seal of Bernon Hills. 

Principal Dr. Z has come to the conclusion that this installation will bring students together. 

“I think the hill will be seen as a beacon of representation for BHHS students, inspiring a sense of pride,” he said.

Director of programming and data analysis, Dr. Old, said the district even plans on creating a new initiative, inspired by the endurance of the juniors. They have decided to replace the district wide CARING initiativ, with a new one based on the five steps leading up to the junior lot, called the “Five steps of excellence: perseverance, knowledge, courage, empathy, and flexibility.” 

Junior, Ethan Cao (11), is worried about the new installation bringing too much publicity to BHHS. 

“I fear that it will draw too much attention and fame to our school that might pose a safety threat to students. I could just think of the Tik Toks people are going to make in front of the hill,” he said.

Sophomore Crystal Waters (10) is spending her weekends at her gym, KoalasFit, training in preparation for parking on the hill by walking on an inclined treadmill, carrying a backpack full of books and wearing ice packs taped to her face. 

“I think my training will prepare me well for next year when I get my license. I think it is a missed opportunity that the Drivers Ed classes have not implemented anything similar to my training to the curriculum,” she added.

One can only hope that today’s BHHS juniors will reminisce fondly back on their days climbing the Bernon Hill and realize that was an integral part of the excellent educational experience BHHS had to offer. In the meantime, the juniors of Bernon Hills High School will continue their treacherous journey.