The Scratching Post

Filed under Opinion, Showcase

Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






In response to a flurry of false fire alarms that have gone off multiple times during the school year, the Burnin’ Hills High School (BHHS) administration has decided to replace all fire alarms with confetti dispensers.

“After a series of discussions between myself, the Burnin’ Hills fire department, and other members of the BHHS administration, we’ve decided to just take out every fire alarm in the school and make them confetti dispensers,” Principal Dr. Z said.

Within the next several days or years, confetti dispensers will be installed in the former locations of every fire alarm. According to the administration, the dispensers will be used for “fun and entertaining activities.”

The announcement has been met with a lot of response from the student body. Some students are happy, while others aren’t.

“I don’t really like this decision because I’m deathly scared of flying paper, so it may be problematic,” John Doe (10) said.

Over the course of the current school year, there have been multiple false fire alarms. As a matter of fact, there have been more fire alarm scares than the amount of naturally-occurring Puffins in Kansas.

Using statistics, the BHHS administration realized that no school with confetti dispensers has ever caught fire. Thus, it can be logically concluded that removing all the fire alarms would still keep the school safe from fires and remove the possibility of having false fire alarms.

Besides confetti dispensers, there were numerous alternative solutions proposed to solve our school’s fire alarm problem.

“The administration considered converting the school into a water park,” local eavesdropper Joana Rutgers (11) said. “But they dismissed the plan as a bit silly.”

With the likelihood of confetti dispensers becoming commonplace, numerous student organizations intend to use this newfound resource.

“We are going to #bhgive everyone a hip, cool confetti party every day,” #bhgive Executive Board Member Kane Hvarton said. “It’s going to be a lot of fun, and we may even make a fun, meme-y contest involving confetti.”

The replacement of the fire alarms with confetti dispensers will also benefit the science department. Currently, science classes are not allowed to set fire to the building. With the new confetti dispensers, science teachers do not have to worry about setting the alarm off, allowing them to teach really cool stuff.

Mr. Precise, BH’s science department supervisor, said that science classes will now be able to cover scientific concepts such as calorimetry, thermodynamics and pyrotechnics without the stress of knowing that the fire alarm might go off.

However, other members of the community are not as receptive to the proposal. In a fake TSP poll of more than 300 non-existent people, roughly 21 percent of respondents said they do not believe replacing the fire alarms with confetti dispensers will work.

One such person is Katikatbatmat Kat (9). She believes that the plan does not go far enough.

“Instead of false fire alarms, the school is going to be littered with false confetti parties. This is going to disrupt my classmates and I very often. I think it’d be better if the school just hacked off every fire alarm to solve the problem once and for all,” Kat said.

The BHHS administration hopes to implement its decision on the confetti dispenser plan sometime soon.  

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Navigate Left
  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Preparing for the endgame: A review of the Avengers films

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Opinion: VHHS service trips avoid several pitfalls of ‘voluntourism’

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Editorial Board dismantles Trump’s wall

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Go back in time with fashion

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Eat your stress away at these local cafes

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Rook no further: Chess takes the knight

  • Opinion

    Rom-Coms: The good, the bad and the cliché

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Self defense: Students must prepare for the future

  • Opinion

    Bring back ‘a Festivus for the rest of us’

  • Satire: BHHS replaces fire alarms with confetti dispensers

    Opinion

    Opinion: Additional armed guards would be unnecessary at VHHS

Navigate Right